ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
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The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
HOW DARE YOU