[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
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It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
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“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing