One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
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About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”