cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
The struggle is real
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.