Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
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I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what