“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
You Might Also Like
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
saving face 👀
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out