It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
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My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
is this how new cars are made??