DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
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girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.