We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
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The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house