*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
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wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
181.