Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
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My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.