8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*