Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE