Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
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The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?