When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
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Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.