Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
You Might Also Like
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Brb my Sims are getting married
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?