*praying for world peace*
God:
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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Is this a threat?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise