There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
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I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor