The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
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My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
They got Raph!
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.