my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
You Might Also Like
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
God has left this place
OH. COME. ON.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.