I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
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[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
technically true but not a great slogan
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.