Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
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#JohnTravolta
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?