Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
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boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Single and childfree like Jesus
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy