I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
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Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.