[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
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Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
me: I ran 5 miles yesterday and my calves are killing me
her: you’re just being dramatic
me: *being stabbed by baby cows* yeah probably
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
lmfao come on