My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
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My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.