Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I have never heard an armadillo before.