Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
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Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels