How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.