Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Just got to our Airbnb!
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice