I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
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Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
The first one, obviously
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital