Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
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My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up