“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
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If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole