Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.