Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?