If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
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A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
I love the National Park Service.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.