Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
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Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.