kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
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Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.