One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
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ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
✌️
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.