FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
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Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
A collection of me turning into random objects.