Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
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Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good