Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
A Short Story.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland