Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
craving $300 all of a sudden
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out