Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
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I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo