I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
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I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.