if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
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It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?