*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.