I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
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Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
How to make infinite energy.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.