When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
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A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”