I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
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I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Same post same
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
This 4th of July, please remember…
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?